By Denise Etheridge
Why is it that the couples who desperately want children and would make the best parents struggle to conceive? My daughter Rachel and her husband Paul are in that category.
They’ve been married for 11 years. She’s 40 and he’s 45. After years of trying and failing, enduring two devastating miscarriages and putting themselves through a roller coaster of emotion — not to mention the physical toll on my daughter’s body — they finally gave up on expensive fertility treatments.
Rachel suffers from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. PCOS causes a hormone imbalance in the women who have the condition. The symptoms include cysts on the ovaries, weight gain and infertility. She was diagnosed with the condition about six months before their wedding.
“You have to let go of the fact that your body is not doing what it’s supposed to be doing,” Rachel said. “You have to let go of blaming yourself. Then there are days when it comes back and you have to remind yourself there’s a different path for you.”
Rachel and Paul have chosen another path. Which is why they are now waiting to adopt.
This phase of the process is like being stuck in a windowless waiting room where the wall clock has no hands and time stands still. They are waiting for a child they haven’t met yet, but already love.
“We seriously started discussing adoption three years ago,” Rachel told me. “We want to adopt a baby or toddler no older than two years old.”
They are going through a law firm that specializes in adoption and has placed them on a national registry. Their detailed profile appears on a website that is like a specialized catalogue for birth mothers who plan to give up their babies for adoption. A woman can browse through these couples’ profiles and pick the couple she feels is best suited to raise her child.
“They have a support network for the birth mothers,” Rachel said. “They have peer counseling and make sure they are getting medical care. They make sure they are taken care of not just during the pregnancy but afterward.”
Rachel and Paul also chose this particular organization because it protects their financial investment, which is significant - around $40,000. Should the birth mother change her mind about giving her child up for adoption, they do not have to pay the fee a second time should they have to start the process over.
“I feel like they’re protecting both sides, not just one or the other,” Rachel said.
I asked Rachel if they had considered becoming foster parents. Adopting through the foster system is less expensive — around $2,500.
She said they had discussed it, but said Paul’s heart couldn’t take having to fall in love with a child only to see that child eventually reunite with their biological family. Rachel said adopting through the foster system is relatively rare.
An international adoption is also out for them. It costs at least $70,000 on average. They’re both teachers, and have been carefully saving for a domestic adoption.
Rachel and Paul have told only a few of their friends about their adoption journey. Rachel, who has always longed to be a mother, admitted how difficult it is for her to be around other women of child bearing age.
“My co-worker brought her three-month-old infant to teacher training, and other people are walking up to see the baby. One woman I’ve known since grad school — her children are grown — remarked how great it was that she had her children before the age of 40. And I’m sitting there and I’m 40 and I don’t have kids.”
Rachel said being married without children often leaves her out of social engagements, too. She said most of the teachers with kids meet up with other moms.
“I don’t get invited,” she said. “It’s such a different world for women that don’t have children. It’s like you’re on the outside looking in. Some people chose this and are happy they are child free. For me it’s like a knife in the chest … and I go to the bathroom and cry.”
For now, Rachel and Paul are trying to focus on the day-to-day and not the what-ifs.
“We have room for a nursery but we haven’t set it up yet,” Rachel said. She said it would be torture having to pass an empty nursery every day. So they’re trying to keep their lives as fulfilled as possible until an adoption does come through.
“We’re not excited yet. We’re waiting. And we’re up to our first full year of waiting. And the average wait is two years.”
Fortunately, Paul’s family — and ours — are fully on board with their decision to adopt. Family support does help a couple weather the wait.
“There’s someone out there that’s meant to be ours because we can give them what they’re supposed to have,” Rachel said.
Denise Etheridge is the senior reporter of the White County News.